Rockin’ The Deuce: Getting Paid and Ass Gaskets

Posted by Jonny West - October 9, 2009 8:11 PM

I’ve been meaning to weigh in on Rick’s commentary on corporate commodes.

This is a beautiful bit of observational comedy.  I feel like Jerry Seinfeld’s head should pop up over the stall door and say, “Yeah, Rick.  What’s up with that?”  Or at least ask for a square of tissue – just one square.

In the office environment, it is key to watch traffic patterns prior to planning a bathroom visit of the seated fashion.  There is a bathroom 20 feet from me, but it is grand central station for defecation, my friends.  I tell you, it is World War Three in there.  If it would help, I’d call FEMA.

I prefer to walk the long walk to door number two (no pun intended).  Same floor plan same square footage but probably 20% of the traffic.  Every time I go in, it’s almost like coming back to your hotel room after being gone for the afternoon – magically clean.  I tell you it even feels warmer in there – as if a touch of heat is on for your comfort.  Things are clean.  Paper products are fully stocked.  There’s no water splashed all over the counter top.  And let’s just say the rest of the place is in much better shape.

I used to try to time myself to those non-peak periods (they are real) that Rick mentioned.  But, I have no need in this hideaway.

The only thing is that I have to walk by desks I don’t normally walk by and don’t have much reason to.  I fear they will notice the pattern before long and I will become the butt (again, no pun) of some office joke.  Fuck ‘em.  I don’t like them anyway.  They have “support” in their department title but all they give me is grief.  Well, I’ve got something for them.

And I can’t leave this topic without discussing the concept of “getting paid.”  This is not original, but comes courtesy of a friend of a friend.  When it’s his time to make magic at the office, he says, “I’m going to get paid.”  And I say, “what does that mean?” And he replies, “no one pays me to do it at home.”

Shit (again, no pun)!  I forgot the whole Ass Gasket angle.  I’ll be brief.  Can they make a universal paper seat cover that fits any (I defy you to find one) seat cover in the universe?  I don’t like to spend time customizing and building a bird’s nest.  And what’s the proper use for that cut out piece in the middle.  It has to go, but my frugal ways always find me recycling it to make the rest of it more “universal.”

Don’t get me started on those folks who don’t use protection.

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